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EXT. CAVES - DAWN
A group of CAVEMEN sit around
a fire, grunting. Suddenly we hear a loud rumble
as the van appears and roars toward the
Cavemen, skidding to a halt as it runs over their fire. The cavemen back away,
amazed. The door opens, and Bill and
Ted step out, looking around.
TED
Dude, we went
back way too far.
BILL
Yah. This must
be like . . . B.C.
TED
Whoa -- check
out the cave dudes.
The awestruck Cavemen now
begin bowing down before Bill and Ted. One huge one, OG, approaches them,
grunting and sniffing. He gestures to their snuffed-out fire.
SAME - MOMENTS LATER
Bill backs the van off the
fire. Ted leans down and re-lights it, using his Bic lighter. As the cavemen
return to the warmth of their fire, Ted is by the van, coaxing Og toward it with
a Ding Dong. Bill starts up the van as Ted
enters with Og.
TED
(to Og)
Don't worry. We'll bring you back right after our
history report. By the way, I'm Ted and
this is Bill.
OG
(grunting)
Og.
BILL
(over shoulder)
How's it goin', Og?
As Og sniffs around the back
of the van and eats his Dong Dong.
The Van blurs and disappears.
INT. VAN - TIME TRAVELING
Ted is teaching Og how to AIR
GUITAR as outside, everything is a blur. Og crudely imitates Ted.
TED
Excellent!
(to Bill)
To Tudor
England, dude!
BILL
I'm trying,
Ted.
Bill floors it again, then Van
shaking as we:
CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT - DAY
The desert we saw in the
opening. Vast, stark, orangeish; futuristic domes dot the landscape.
After a beat, the van lands in
front of some smallish domes with a crash, MUSIC BLARING from within. It stops.
Beat. Bill and Ted get out, look at the domes where a woman, dressed all in
white except for a black trench-coat, steps out of one of them and looks at Bill
and Ted. She stops, staring at them, stunned. Bill and Ted walk toward her.
TED
How's it goin'?
BILL
Where are we?
WOMAN
It's . . . you.
BILL
(beat)
Yeah, it's
us.
(to Ted, sotto)
Who are we?
TED
(to Woman)
What year is
this?
WOMAN
2684.
TED
Whoa! We
definitely went way too far forward, dude!
Then the Woman closes her eyes
and concentrates very hard. Other people start to come out of the domes.
All are
dressed in whites and blacks. They gather around Bill and Ted, gazing at them
reverently. Long beat. Bill and Ted shift
nervously.
TED
(sotto)
Bill, do you
think they're going to sacrifice us and eat us?
BILL
(also sotto)
That would be
bogus.
Then, the crowd begins to do
an oddly ritualistic version of AIR GUITAR - slowly and solemnly. They stop and look at Bill and
Ted, who shrug and do AIR GUITAR themselves. The crowd is deeply moved by
this. They begin beckoning to Bill and Ted.
CROWD
Speak.
Say something.
Talk to us. Etc.
Bill and Ted are totally
confused.
TED
They want to
hear us speak, Bill.
BILL
Go ahead, dude.
TED
What'll I
say?
BILL
Make something
up.
Ted swallows, raises his hand
to quiet everything. He can't think of anything to say. Finally -
TED
Be excellent to
each other.
Beat. The crowd waits
expectantly for more.
TED
And . . . party
on, dudes.
The crowd is deeply pleased.
Bill and Ted begin to move toward the van.
BILL
(to crowd)
Well . . . we
gotta go.
TED
(backing away)
Yah, we'd
take one of you back with us, but
it's a History report, not a future report .
. .
INT. VAN
Bill and Ted get in, confused,
and start it up. They look out the window at the crowd, who continue to stare at
them, motionless.
TED
(out window)
Later, dudes!
And Bill accelerates as the van blurs and disappears.
HOLD on the denizens of the future, who continue to stare, reverently, and:
CUT TO:
EXT. ROMAN COURTYARD - DAY
JULIUS CAESAR walks through
his courtyard as a loud SCREECH catches his attention. He looks up just as
the Van skids toward him,
bumping into him and knocking him over. Ted is flipping through this
history book.
TED
Bill! It's
the salad-dressing dude!
BILL
That's the
Green Goddess?
TED
No, it's
Caesar.
BILL
He's on our
list! Let's bag him!
They open the doors and jump
out, joined by Og, as we:
CUT TO:
EXT. COURTYARD
The van shakes and disappears.
INT. VAN
Caesar holds his head,
stunned. Og sniffs at him, eating a Twinkie. Beat. Ted doesn't know what to
say.
TED
(finally)
Wanna Ding
Dong, Caesar?
EXT. VIENNA STREET - DAY
The Van lands with a crash and
skids to a halt before a sign which reads "S. FREUD." Automobiles,
circa 1910, pass by the Van.
After a moment SIGMUND FREUD
steps out of his office,
walking curiously to the Van and looks in the open doors. Ted and Og approach him from
behind and push him into the van, climbing in behind him. As the van
accelerates, we:
CUT TO:
EXT. MONGOLIAN PLAIN - DAY
The Van sits on the ground.
We
HEAR muted VOICES from inside. Then the door opens and Ted, still trying to calm
Freud down, steps out.
TED
It's very
simple. We'll take you right back to where we
got you, alls you have to do is
talk at our history report.
Freud tries to make sense of
this, but can't. Finally he just shrugs.
FREUD
(Austrian
accent)
This must be a
dream.
Bill approaches, leading Og,
who carries a small, struggling, fur-clad BARBARIAN.
TED
Who's that?
BILL
I think it's
Genghis Khan.
TED
Way to go.
They all get into the van.
As
it starts rolling:
TED
Bill, I know I
keep asking -
BILL
Ted, I'm
trying to get to England, all right?
Loud MUSIC comes ON, and
CONTINUES OVER the following:
SERIES OF SHOTS - TIME
TRAVELING as Bill and Ted make their way
back and forth through history, trying to find the Princesses, the following
happens rapidly:
- The Van lands at Valley
Forge in the dead of winter. Ted recognizes GEORGE WASHINGTON and has Og place
him in the van.
- SHAKESPEARE, huddled over
a table working on a play, is picked up by Og and carried out of the room.
- ABE LINCOLN, BABE RUTH and
MARCO POLO are picked up.
- Inside the van, it's
getting very crowded. Bodies are thrown back and forth as more and more famous
people are jammed in.
Things are happening faster
and faster -
INT. VAN - TIME TRAVELING
Chaos. The Van is crammed with
confused, uncomfortable, bickering Historical Figures. Ted, trying to keep order,
hands out Hunt's Pudding Cups. He picks up a clipboard.
TED
Okay. Raise
your hands when I call out your name.
Pronouncing most of the
following incorrectly:
TED
Abe Lincoln.
Lincoln raises his hand, then
goes back to his Pudding Cup.
TED
Charlemagne. Joan of Arc.
Michaelangelo.
They all raise their hands.
TED
Beethoven.
(beat)
Beethoven.
Freud nudges Beethoven, who
looks up, then raises his hand. Next to him, Christopher Columbus is opening a
Pudding Cup. He is about to lick the lid when -
TED
(seeing him)
Christopher
Columbus!
Don't lick the lid of the Pudding Cup.
But Columbus does anyhow, and
winces.
TED
I told you not
to. Everyone! Don't lick the lids!
ANOTHER ANGLE
Genghis Khan is elbowing
Lincoln, trying to make more room for himself.
TED
Genghis Khan! Abe Lincoln!
That's
funny until someone gets hurt.
But Genghis Khan and Lincoln
keep horsing around. Ted goes up front.
TED
Bill, they won't
stop rough-housing.
BILL
(over shoulder)
Do I have to
pull this van over?
Everyone quiets down. Ted
returns.
TED
Okay. Who have
I not called?
(beat)
Yes, Amelia
Earhart?
The Van pulls off, into
darkness, and stops.
TED (V.O.)
Okay. Who else
besides Amelia Earhart
has to go to the bathroom?
(beat)
We're not
stopping again.
Four or five people step out
of the van. A moment later, the doors shut and the Van
takes off again.
TED (V.O.)
Bill . . .
BILL (V.O.)
All right, Ted. I'll try again.
Bill jams on the brakes.
EXT. 7/11 PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The Van screeches to a halt
next to another IDENTICAL VAN. Next to it, in front of the 7/11 are
another Bill and Ted identical in every way. They stop, dead in their tracks, as they see the Van pull in toward them.
Bill and Ted are blown away as
they look out the window -
BILL
Hey, that's us!
TED
Dude! You took
us back to San Dimas.
BILL
Yah - only
this isn't now, it's a week ago!
TED
I remember
this, only from over there!
BILL
Yah - only
then, that us was us, and this us was
them. Now, that
us is them, and this us is us.
Long pause. They look at each
other utterly confused. Finally Ted speaks.
TED
Bill. We are in
the middle of a most unusual adventure.
BILL
Let's go out
and talk to ourselves.
TED
Excellent!
BILL
What'd we
say, dude?
TED
I don't
remember - let's find out.
Encounter with themselves
scene plays out the same, except Ted warns about HoHos instead of watch.
Rufus steps up to the
driver's window.
BILL
Rufus!
RUFUS
Everything all
right?
TED
Not really. Remember those babes in Tudor England?
BILL
He doesn't
remember, Ted. He hasn't been there yet.
TED
Well, we're
trying to get back there.
RUFUS
Oh. Just use
the meter.
Bill and Ted look down at the
dashboard where a chronometer reads
"19:10 PM 6 - 04 - 1984 A.D." Rufus points to the numbers.
RUFUS
See? Time -
date. Okay?
BILL / TED
Excellent!
TED
Thanks, Rufus!
Bill puts the Van in reverse
and begins to pull away. Ted sticks his head outside the window:
TED
(calling)
Rufus! Watch
out for my dad and Mr. Rowe!
The van shakes and disappears.
We HOLD ON:
THE PARKING LOT
where First Bill and Ted
watch, still shocked, as Rufus walks back to them.
FIRST BILL
That was a most
puzzling occurrence.
CUT TO:
INT. VAN - CLOSE ON METER
The numbers spin backward:
1750 - 1700 - 1650 . . . .
TED (V.O.)
When are we
gonna be there, Bill?
BILL (V.O.)
Almost, Ted.
(then)
Okay, here we
go.
And as the numbers whir back
into the Fifteenth Century, Bill jams on the brakes and
EXT. OLD ENGLAND CASTLE - DAY
The Van screeches to a halt in
front of the castle.
TED (V.O.)
Bill, you did
it!
BILL
Okay. Let's
get the babes!
The back door opens and
Historical Figures begin to pile out, exhausted and a little bruised. There is
some anger, but overall there is a growing sense of camaraderie - Lincoln help
Michelangelo down the step. Charlemagne chats with Joan of Arc, Shakespeare
holds the door open for Washington, etc. Ted steps around and surveys
the scene.
TED
Okay. Everybody
over here. We gotta make a plan.
As our Historical Figures move
toward Ted, we cut to:
Continue
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