BILL AND TED GO TO HELL

Script Date: 12/7/89

The following are excerpts and annotations outlining the differences between the original script and the final movie.

The movie starts out essentially the same, with Bill & Ted University (established 2425 A.D.)

PASSING "Logan Hall," CAMERA CONTINUES with the crowd heading toward some classrooms (in the "Missy Science and Space Center"). We catch snippets of conversation . . .

GIRL
I think I totally flunked my Philosophy midterm.
(looking at piece of paper)
Okay. If something's good, that's . . . excellent, right?

SECOND GIRL
(nods)
If it's really good, that's most excellent.

FIRST GIRL
(beat)
What if it's excellent?

SECOND AND THIRD GIRLS
That's outstanding.

The First Girl nods, does a quick AIR GUITAR and as they PASS CAMERA, we see that one is wearing a concert T-shirt which says "RUFUS 2689 WORLD TOUR - SOLD OUT."  We FOLLOW THEM -

INSIDE

Where more STUDENTS are filing into classrooms.  Passing one such CLASSROOM, we HEAR MUSIC playing.  Through the door we SEE a PROFESSOR suddenly turn the music off.

PROFESSOR
(to his class)
Now . . . who can tell me what's wrong with this music?

Pause. No one answers.

And, as he CRANKS IT UP we CUT TO:

A COFFEE HOUSE

where, in the b.g., a GUITARIST on a small stage strums "Dust in the Wind."  In the f.g., various students are discussing issues of great import.

STUDENT 1
. . . No. Captain Logan was good.
He forced them to work harder.

STUDENT 2
Logan was bad.  He was nothing
but a hindrance . . .

They continue to argue as a FIGURE IN BLACK with short, bristly hair and severe, tight-rimmed spectacles hurries PAST CAMERA.  We FOLLOW the Figure to:

ANOTHER TABLE

where he taps his watch and ANOTHER, SIMILARLY ATTIRED STUDENT nods, rises, and follows.  CUT TO:

AN EMPTY CORRIDOR

Footsteps echoing, the two serious Students move briskly down the hallway.  They stop in front of A DOOR, glance around furtively, and quickly enter -

A UTILITY STAIRWELL

Which they hurry down.

INT. DARK BASEMENT

Nervous, hurried activity.  A HALF A DOZEN STUDENTS are gathered in secrecy.

These are the REBELS.

As our two Students enter and shut the door, silence falls on the room.

LEADER
(stepping forward)
It is time. No longer will our world be
dominated by the legacy of these two . . .
(spitting) . . . fools.

OTHERS
(murmuring)
Idiots.  Morons.  Cretins.

LEADER
Silence.
(then)
They have reached a vortex.
The First Annual "San Dimas . . .
(profoundly) . . . Grand Jam."  History tells
us this is the second crucial turning point
in their destiny.  We must stop them now.
(then)
Colleagues . . . are we ready?

Clicks of automatic weapons, nods of assent, and . . .

. . . the Leader turns to a woman in a white lab coat, the SCIENTIST.

LEADER
Are they ready?

The Scientist nods and pushes forward a lab cart carrying TWO COVERED FIGURES.

LEADER
Fellow Rebels, I introduce to
you . . . our Secret Weapons.

The Leader suddenly yanks off the cloak, revealing:

standing, frozen, staring ahead.

The Scientist pushes a button and suddenly THE TWO FIGURES COME TO LIFE.

BILL AND TED
How's it goin', Rebels!

Everyone gasps.  The Leader raises his hands to silence them, then reaches over and reveals -

UNDER BILL AND TED'S "SKIN"

An elaborate patchwork of intricate wiring and circuitry.

BACK TO SHOT

The Rebels stare, repulsed, at the two Figures.

LEADER
(quickly)
Automatons, ladies and gentlemen.
Replicas only, programmed with our agenda.

The Robots look around (We'll call them EVIL BILL AND TED.  They are in every way exact duplicates of our two guys.)

The Leader looks at them.

LEADER
What is your mission?

The following conversation is the same as in the movie, until:

LEADER
Silence!
(then)
Let's go.

They start to exit and we CUT TO:

INT. THE LARGE DOME

Which overlooks the center of the campus.  Remodeled since we last saw it, it is larger, airier.

THE PHONE BOOTH rests at the center of the room, bathed in a pool of white light.

To its side, the THREE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD sit, as before, suspended in mid-air.  Their meditation is suddenly broken as -

The Rebels burst inside, guns blaring.  They blast apart the two hanging HOLOGRAMS OF BILL AND TED (to the great joy of Evil Bill and Ted), then turn to the Three Important People, guns drawn.

LEADER
The Orb.  Now.

Beat.  The Important People gape, stunned, at Evil Bill and Ted, who grin right back at them.

EVIL TED
Don't look at us!

EVIL BILL
We're totally evil robots!!

AIR GUITAR. Interrupted by the -

LEADER
(who shouts at the Important People)
I said now.

And he fires just over their heads.

The Most Important Person (the Woman from before) slowly extends a GLOWING GOLDEN BALL and THREE SMALL OBELISKS to the Rebel Leader, who encases them in a solid black box.

He then hands the box to Evil Bill and Ted.

LEADER
In an emergency, use this.

EVIL BILL
You got it, dude.

Then, donning sunglasses, Evil Bill and Ted step into the phone booth and call -

EVIL BILL AND TED
Death to Bill and Ted!

The Rebels nod.  Evil Bill and Ted dial the phone.  The Three Most Important People shudder as there is a FLASH and -

EVIL BILL AND TED'S VOICES
Whoooaaaaaaa!!!!

- the booth drops from sight.  We HOLD for a moment on the intent Rebels, then CUT TO:

Opening scene at the Battle of the Bands is the same, except:

BILL
(steps forward)
Thank you!   Hope we did okay for this audition.
I'm Bill S. Preston, Esq. . . .

Continues the same until . . .

BILL
And we are . . .

BILL/TED/JOANNA/ELIZABETH
. . . Wyld Stallyns!

And with this Ted steps on a button and suddenly, from out of a crate -

THE WYLD STALLYN "MASCOT"

- a 2 foot high papier mache HORSE (like a pinata horse on tiny wheels) and its DEMONIC RIDER (actually a G.I. Joe modified with red marble-eyes and coat hanger horns) - rolls down a little ramp.

But the Rider almost immediately hits a low-hanging microphone stand and is knocked off.

The horse spins in a helpless little circle, then rears and falls off the stage, where it crumbles to bits in the orchestra pit.

Back by the drum set, the Rider lifts its head and opens its tape recorder-mouth:

RIDER
(garbled)
How's it going . . . San Dimas? . . .

Beat.

The foursome just stands there for a moment, utterly disappointed.

Then, abruptly, the LIGHTS go OUT.

We HEAR ONE PERSON applauding slowly

TED'S VOICE
(sotto)
At least he's not booing us.

ELSEWHERE IN THE THEATER - MOMENTS LATER

Onstage, Joanna and Elizabeth are taking apart their instruments and sweeping up the remains of the mascot while, seated in the third row, Bill and Ted listen intently as:

A local promoter, RYAN WARDROE, speaks candidly to them.

MR. WARDROE
Okay, first off, your mascot.  The little horse.

TED
The Wyld Stallyn.

MR. WARDROE
(nods, continues)
It's the lamest thing I ever saw.

BILL
Yah.  We know.

MR. WARDROE
I mean, you guys keep telling me you're gonna
be the greatest band in the world, but you stink.

BILL
(nodding)
Yah.  We don't understand it either.

MR. WARDROE
You can't sing, you can hardly play, your songs are terrible.
I mean, guys . . . this is a major event here.  The Grand Jam marks
the opening of the largest new venue in the entire area.  A lot of
important people are going to be here tomorrow night.
Now, if you were me, would you put you guys on?

BILL AND TED
(instantly)
No way.

MR, WARDROE
Unfortunately, I have no other band to represent
San Dimas.  So . . . I'm giving you a shot.

BILL AND TED
(brightening)
Excellent!

MR. WARDROE
(quickly)
But last.  10 P.M.  By that time
everyone should've left.

TED
(nods)
If they haven't, they will by the time we're done.

BILL
Yah - we fully cleaned out Ted's little
brother's junior high school dance!

TED
(re Bill)
They totally turned on La Bamba
while he was playing his solo!

BILL
Shut up, Ted.

MR. WARDROE
(cutting them off, serious)
Guys - do yourselves a favor.  Don't
embarrass yourselves too badly, huh?

BILL
Thanks, Mr. Wardroe.
We won't let you down.

But the guys look at each other, knowing they probably will.  Wardroe nods, gets up.

EXT. AMPITHEATER - A SHORT WHILE LATER

As the guys walk toward the van:

TED
Our mascot is most egregiously non-outstanding.

BILL
Yah.  And it took us two months to build it.

TED
We are most unaccomplished technicians.

BILL
Totally.

They near Bill's 1969 black Chevy van, into the back of which the Princesses have finished loading the equipment.

BILL
(to Ted, sotto)
Did you call Missy?

TED
(nods, same)
Everything's ready.  Should be a
most resplendent birthday party.

BILL
Shall we ladies?

The Princesses nod and we CUT TO:

EXT. BILL AND TED'S APARTMENT BUILDING - A LITTLE WHILE LATER

The Van is parked in front of a two-story, stucco apartment complex.  We HEAR the murmuring of a small crowd of people.

INT. BILL AND TED'S APARTMENT - SAME

Hard rock posters and history books abound.  On the walls, framed signed photos of Historical Figures from the last adventure (Napoleon, Socrates, Genghis Khan, etc.)  A booming sound system.  Various attempted MASCOT DRAWINGS.  And, in a place of honor, two 8-by-10 PHOTOS of Joanna and Elizabeth.  But some of this is obscured because:

A small party's in progress.  A HANGING BANNER reads: "Happy 521^st Birthday Joanna and Elizabeth."

Among the crowd, we see CAPTAIN LOGAN, standing with Ted.  Though there has been a thaw in their relationship, their manner is still a bit strained.

CAPTAIN LOGAN
So . . . I understand you have a little something
else to celebrate tonight, huh, Ted?

TED
Oh, yah.  Bill and I are most
excited about the Grand Jam.

CAPTAIN LOGAN
Well . . . keep up the good work.

TED
Thanks, Dad.  You too.

Pause.  Bill shows up.  Captain Logan looks at him.  Nods.  Bill nods back.  Captain Logan nods again.  So does Bill.  An awkward pause.  Then:

BILL
Nice shirt, dude.

Missy approaches.

MISSY
Hi, guys.

BILL
(gulps)
How's it goin', Missy, I mean Mom, I mean . . .

He trails off and, with Ted, stares as Missy and Captain Logan exchange a long kiss.

TED
(sotto)
I can't believe Missy divorced
your dad and married mine.

BILL
I know.  What's next?

TED
Maybe me.

BILL
Yah.  Then you'll be your own step-dad.

TED
That would be most unrivaled.

Missy and Captain Logan pull apart.  Missy removes a book from a bag, shows it to the guys.

MISSY
Oh. I got them this.
Do you think they'll like it?

BILL
(reading)
"Past Lives - You Are What You Were."

MISSY
(nods)
You know, I believe what Joanna and Elizabeth
say about having lived in Medieval England.
(lowering her voice)
See, I was once Albert Einstein.

Bill and Ted nod, exchange glances. Missy and Captain Logan start kissing again.

Bill and Ted gape a second, then:

TED
Let's get out of here.

As they start away:

BILL
Ted, your dad's going for it in our apartment!

TED
Shut up, Bill.

BILL
Remember when you asked
her out at their wedding?

TED
Shut up, Bill.

And they head into the KITCHEN, passing a GOLDFISH BOWL.

TED
(to goldfish)
How's it going, W. Axl Rose?

They disappear into the kitchen . . .

TED
(O.S.)
I totally love my fish.

. . . and we DISSOLVE TO: