BILL/TED
Whoaaaa..........

WIDER ANGLE - IN THE SHRUBS WHERE THEY "DIED"

They creakily sit up and look at each other.

BILL
Dude . . . we're back.

This part is the same as the final movie dialogue-wise, except instead of just Death dropping down, all the historical figures drop from the sky.

- Leonardo Da Vinci and Sitting Bull land in the shrubs.

- Joe Louis lands on his feet and holds out his arms for Betsy Ross, whom he catches.

- Moses lands on a tree-branch.  Albert Einstein lands right next to him.  The branch slowly breaks and the two slide to the ground.

- Finally the Grim Reaper lands on his butt with a thud.

The guys start to gather the Figures.

TED
Welcome to the present, Great People.

BILL
Okay.  First on the agenda: Get back to town.

They all start up a winding path, the Grim Reaper, hobbling at the rear, and we CUT TO:

EXT. VAN - MOMENTS LATER - FROM BEHIND

The van squeals away, shooting back toward the road.

After a moment, we HEAR people SNIFFING, and then:

TED (V.O.)
Dude. What's that smell?

More sniffs.

BILL (V.O.)
Ted, I think it's us, dude.
We've been dead for twelve hours.

TED (V.O.)
Oh yah.  On the way in, we
better stop and clean up.

BILL (V.O.)
Yah. That way we can call the
babes and tell ‘em we're okay.

They hit the main road and we CUT TO:

INT. GAS STATION BATHROOM - A BIT LATER

A big, burly TRUCKER enters, sniffs the air, and frowns.

TRUCKER
Who died in here?

Ted, at the sink drying his face, looks over at the Trucker.

TED
I did, dude!

And he exits into -

THE GAS STATION MINI-MART

Where he crosses past Moses, who is staring intently into a cup, fingers extended, parting a bowl of chili.

TED
Most impressive, Moses.

And Ted continues, passing Joe Louis, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Betsy Ross, who are all in line, stocking up with goodies - Pringles, Beef Jerky, Fiddle Faddle, etc.

As Sitting Bull joins the line with two microwave Burritos and hands one to Betsy Ross -

BETSY ROSS
Thank you, Sitting Bull.

- Ted continues crossing to Bill, who is standing at a PAY PHONE, wiping himself off witha handi-wipe.

TED
Any luck?

Bill shakes his head.

BILL
They're not at their place, or at ours.

TED
How about my dad's?
Maybe they went to talk to Missy.

BILL
Good thinkin', dude.  I'll try them next.

Ted nods, then HEARING a SNEEZE, turns.

IN THE MEDICINE AISLE

The Grim Reaper swallows a mouthful of liquid Comtrex, then puts the cap back on and replaces the bottle.

TED
Death.  We gotta pay for that, dude.

Ted picks up the now-half-empty bottle of Comtrex and continues toward the counter.

TED
C'mon, dude.

GRIM REAPER
(as Ted pulls him)
What?  I didn't do anything.

They cross past Einstein, who is just opening a Pudding Cup.

TED
Excellent choice, Albert Einstein.
Just don't lick the -

EINSTEIN
Ow!

TED
. . . Told you.

And as Ted continues with the Reaper toward the counter, we CUT TO:

EXT. SAN DIMAS STREET - LATE AFTERNOON

Evil Bill and Ted tear around a corner in their by-now even more battered Porsche.

INT. PORSCHE - SPEEDING

Evil Ted points out the window.

EVIL TED
There's one, dude!

Evil Bill swerves the car madly. We HEAR a CAT YOWLING -

EVIL BILL
Just missed!

- and then Evil Ted motions to a house up ahead.

EVIL TED
Dude, we're there!

EVIL BILL
Okay. I got a idea.  Take off your seatbelt.

EVIL TED
Outstanding!

They unlatch their belts.  And then, as Evil Bill deliberately steers the speeding car DIRECTLY INTO THE CURB -

EVIL BILL AND TED

Fly through the windshield and SHOOT -

THROUGH THE AIR

- playing an excited AIR GUITAR as they sail OUT OF FRAME.

INT. LOGAN HOUSE - SAME

The Princesses are indeed sitting in the living room with Missy.

ELIZABETH
They just seem so different.

MISSY
(nods)
I know. I had a strange
experience with them myself -

Suddenly, we HEAR yelling (Whoooooaaa!") and, with a CRASH, Evil Bill and Ted fly through the Living Room window and slide across the floor, smashing head-first into the fireplace.

They brush themselves off and stand up.

EVIL BILL
How's it goin', lady humans?

EVIL TED
(to Missy; leering)
Hey, Mom, how about a kiss where it counts?

And he leans toward Missy, mouth open, tongue flopping out.

Missy slaps him.

MISSY
Ted!

EVIL BILL
(to Evil Ted; pleased)
It's your mom, dude!

Evil Ted nods.  He and Evil Bill grab Joanna and Elizabeth.

EVIL TED
Ready for the big night, babes?

He grabs Missy's keys off the table, and with Evil Bill, starts to drag the terrified Princesses out the door.

Just then, however, Captain Logan appears in the hallway, looking half-dazed, obviously still recovering from his "possession" earlier this morning.  He looks around the room, at Evil Ted.

LOGAN
Ted, what the hell is going on here?

EVIL TED
(leaning toward Logan)
Confidentially, Dad - I'm an evil robot.

EVIL BILL
He totally is, dude!

And Evil Bill and Ted again start toward the door with the struggling Princesses in tow.

Captain Logan steps toward Evil Ted.

LOGAN
Dammit, Ted -

But before Logan can do a thing, Evil Ted grabs him, picks him up, spins him, and, cheered on by Evil Bill, chucks him right into the (unlit) fireplace.

Missy, shocked, passes out.  The Princesses gasp and do the same.

Evil Bill and Ted do an enthusiastic AIR GUITAR.

Then, just as they are about to exit, the PHONE RINGS.  Evil Bill picks it up.

The dialogue between Bill & Ted and Evil Bill & Ted on the phone is the same until:

EVIL BILL
(back into phone)
Good luck getting back into town, losers.

And he hangs up.

Evil Ted removes the BLACK BOX which the Rebel Leader gave him in the future . . .

He opens it.  A golden light radiates from within.  Ted reaches inside, lifting out the three OBELISKS and the glowing ORB.  Evil Bill looks at it and smiles.

Then Evil Ted lays the Obelisks on the floor and releases the Orb.  There is a FLASH, and suddenly -

THREE FIGURES

Begin to take shape before Evil Bill and Ted, who watch with growing evil smiles.

FROM OUTSIDE THE HOUSE

We SEE the variously-shaped silhouettes forming.

Then, we SEE Evil Bill's silhouette reach into his pocket and extend what looks like car keys.

EVIL BILL
You know what to do.

And, on their cruel, cackly AIR GUITAR, we CUT TO:

INT. MINI-MART - SAME

Bill stares at the telephone receiver, shakes his head.

BILL
That other me is a non-dick.

BILL/TED
(beat)
Not.

The guys nod, and begin to herd the Figures outside and we CUT TO:

INT. VAN - MOVING - A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Screaming back towards town.  Bill drives. The Grim Reaper sits in the passenger seat next to him.

In the back, Ted is conferring with the Figures.  They refer to a very extensive DIAGRAM which has been taped to the side wall of the van (hand-drawn by Ted and Leonardo - and we can tell who drew what).

TED
So, Albert Einstein, how much
energy do you think we'll need?

ALBERT EINSTEIN
How much could you get me?

Ted looks at Moses, who shrugs and looks up.

MOSES
I'll do my best.

Ted nods, turns to Sitting Bull.

TED
Dude.  How high can you shoot an arrow?

Sitting Bull smiles confidently. Ted nods, rises.

TED
Remember, when we get there
we're gonna have to work fast.

The Figures all nod, then continue working on the diagram as Ted heads -

UP FRONT

Where Bill turns to him.

BILL
(nodding back)
Everybody ready?

TED
I think so.

The Grim Reaper looks over at the guys and sniffs, obviously still feeling a bit insecure.

GRIM REAPER
Excuse me . . . but what
would you like me to do?

The guys looks at each other.

TED
You, uh . . . uh . . .

BILL
. . . You ref.

TED
Yah, that's really important, Grim Reaper.

The Grim Reaper, hurt, turns away, obviously not buying it.  Ted shakes his head, then notices something out the front window.  Bill, seeing it also, suddenly tightens, slows down.

BILL
What is that?

UP AHEAD

Standing in the middle of the road, silhouetted in the near-darkness, are the THREE FIGURES we saw taking shape at the Logan house:

One is TALL and pear-shaped, we very big ears . . . Another SMALL and withered, seated in a chair . . . The last STOUT and powerfully built, hands on hips . . .

And behind them is the PORSCHE, parked at an angle in the road.

INT. VAN

As Bill slows to a stop:

BILL
Looks like a roadblock.

TED
But that's not the police.

BILL
No, it's . . . it's . . .

He flicks on his headlights, and suddenly both Bill and Ted scream:

BILL/TED
No way!!

For - -

IN THE ROAD BEFORE THEM

Stand their three worst fears - - COLONEL OATS, GRANNY S. PRESTON, AND THE EASTER BUNNY.

Oats glowers at the guys and bellows:

OATS
Yes way you damned pitiful pussies!
Now get out of that van!  I mean now!

And, along with the other Fears, he starts toward the van.

INSIDE

Bill and Ted stare ahead, ghost-white, trembling with terror.  The Historical Figures behind to gather behind them.

TED
(barely able to speak)
Better do something, dude.

BILL
(same)
Yah . . .

Then, suddenly, Bill throws the van in reverse and hits the gas, causing the six Historical Figures to lurch forward, crushing into each other against the seat-backs.

Then Bill cranks the wheel and the Figures topple into the back as the van begins -

A WILD 360 DEGREE TURN

Which send the Grim Reaper flying out of his seat and landing right in Sitting Bull's lap.

BILL

Completes the turn, straightens out the van, hits the gas and drives straight at -

THE THREE FEARS

Who hold their ground for a beat, then, at the last minute, leap (or, in the case of Granny S. Preston, roll) out of the way.

INT. VAN

The Figures, pulling themselves up, chatter excitedly as Ted, hugely relieved, looks over at Bill.

TED
Nice work, Bill.  I think we lost ‘em.

But Bill, looking in the rear-view mirror, shakes his head.

BILL
I don't think so.

And sure enough -

IN THE WAKE OF THE VAN

The Three Fears have hurried to the side of the road and are jumping into Evil Bill and Ted's stolen Porsche.

The Easter Bunny leaps into the driver's seat, Granny S. Preston is lifted into the passenger seat (wheelchair and all), and Colonel Oates dives into the back.

OATS
(to the Easter Bunny)
Step on it, you damned
seven-foot hopping pink bastard!!

The Easter Bunny hits the gas and the Porsche squeals into the road and after -

THE VAN

Inside of which, Ted - surrounded by the Figures - peers out the back window.

TED
They're catching up!!

BILL
Hold on!

And, with a sudden jerk of the wheel, Bill whips the van around a sharp corner.  The Grim Reaper lurches off the wheel-well and lands in Leonardo Da Vinci's lap as -

THE PORSCHE

Follows, gaining speed.

INSIDE THE PORSCHE

As the Easter Bunny, ears flapping in the breeze, accelerates after the van,  Colonel Oats leans forward and jabs a finger at Granny S. Preston.

OATS
You!  Get out and do your thing!!  Now!!

Granny S. Preston braces herself and Oats and the Easter Bunny push her -

OUT OF THE PORSCHE

Where her wheelchair hits the ground, bounces once or twice, and then continues along behind the speeding vehicle - at 75 miles per hour.

INSIDE THE PORSCHE

Oats feeds a lead-rope back to Granny S. Preston, who grabs onto it.

INT. BILL AND TED'S VAN

Ted, still looking back, shakes his head in disbelief.

TED
No way . . .
(then, up front)
It's your Granny, dude.

Bill grips the wheel, white-knuckled.

BILL
Oh no.

And now Bill's eyes widen as -

THE PORSCHE

Suddenly veers to one side, causing -

GRANNY S. PRESTON

To swing around like a waterskier and gain speed, ending up nearly even with the van . . .

Granny S. Preston looks over at Bill, her white hair blowing straight back, her tiny features shaking up and down.

GRANNY S. PRESTON
Hello Bill.

Terrified, Bill swerves to the right and -

THE VAN'S TIRES

Kick into some dirt, near the edge of a steep drop-off.

GRANNY S. PRESTON

Swings closer to the van and points to her cheek.

GRANNY S. PRESTON
How about that kiss?

BILL

Veers to the right again - this time even more sharply.

BILL
No!

IN THE PORSCHE

Colonel Oats yells at the Easter Bunny.

OATS
Take her closer you great
bouncing egg-delivering behemoth!!

The Easter Bunny swerves closer, causing -

GRANNY S. PRESTON

To do the same.

INSIDE THE SPEEDING VAN

Bill, attempting to avoid his hideous Granny, now veers perilously close to the drop-off.

Ted pushes his way through the now-nervous Figures and hurries:

UP FRONT

Where he joins Bill, looking out the window at Granny S. Preston, who is still pointing to her cheek.

TED
(over the din)
You gotta do it, dude!
You gotta face her!

BILL
But that moustache . . .

TED
Bill, you got to!

Behind the guys, the Figures nod.

EINSTEIN
(leaning forward)
Please.  Kiss your granny, dude.

Bill looks over at Ted and we SMASH CUT TO:

A SECOND LATER - CLOSE ON BILL'S FACE

Wind-blown and terrified.

A WIDER SHOT

Reveals that Bill is being dangled out the side of the van toward Granny S. Preston.

INT. VAN - SAME

Ted, now driving, looks at Joe Louis and Sitting Bull, who are fishing Bill out the window.

TED
A little further, dudes!

They lower him a bit further and now -

BILL AND GRANNY S. PRESTON

Are close enough for Bill to crane his neck, close his eyes, swallow, and kiss his Granny square on the cheek.

She looks at him and smiles . . .

GRANNY S. PRESTON
Now that wasn't so bad, was it?

. . . and then DISAPPEARS in a whir of SPARKS and WIRES.

Bill, immensely relieved, is reeled back into -

THE VAN

Where everyone applauds him for a moment, until - THUMP - there is the sudden sound of something large and heavy landing on the roof.

Ted looks up.

TED
What was that?

Bill shakes his head. The Figures look up at the roof.  The large heavy object begins moving and we CUT TO:

Continue . . .