TED
I knew he'd put his P.T. boat in the J's . . .

BILL
Good thinkin', Ted.
(then)
But, dude - when we get back, how're we gonna
fight those other us's?  They're way stronger
than us, way smarter than us -

TED
(nods)
Plus they've already killed us once.

BILL
Exactly, Ted.
(beat)
Dude, we are most definitely
in need of assistance.

They look over at the Reaper who, fuming, is hunched over the Battleship board, picking the little red and white pegs out and replacing them.

BILL
Ted.  That's it.  We can.

TED
How?

BILL
Dude.  We're in the afterlife.
Everybody who's ever lived is here.

TED
(brightening)
Oh, yah!

The guys cross back to the Reaper, who is now closing up the board.

BILL
Excuse us, Death.  But can we
play you again for other people?

The Grim Reaper eyes Bill and Ted, face tight.

TED
Double or nothing, dude!

The Reaper hesitates for a moment, then smiles coolly.

GRIM REAPER
You will not defeat me again.

BILL
Choose your game, Death.

And we CUT TO:

INT. ROOM - A MOMENT LATER

Tension.  Anticipation.  Bill and Ted wait anxiously as -

The Grim Reaper pauses meaningfully, then reaches down, pulls out a card, and announces:

GRIM REAPER
I believe: Colonel Mustard did it.
In the Study.  With the candlestick.

Bill and Ted look at each other, smile.

TED
Sorry, Death, you lose.

High-five.  The Grim Reaper flowers and extends another GOLD PASS to Bill.

GRIM REAPER
We will play again.

They look at each other.  Smile.

TED
Suit yourself, dude.

The Grim Reaper has already set another game on the table.

MOMENTS LATER

Bill wipes his brow, then reads from a card.

BILL
"Take out wrenched ankle."

The Grim Reaper, brandishing a pair of tweezers, carefully leans down to an "Operation" board.

Beat.

We HEAR a BUZZ.  The Grim Reaper rolls his eyes.  Bill and Ted grin, hold out their hands.  The Reaper pulls out another PASS.  Bill mouths "that's two" to Ted.  Ted makes a check on a CHECKLIST he's drawn up, and we CUT to:

ELECTRIC FOOTBALL

We SEE the Reaper's "Running Back" spinning in helpless little circles.  All the other "Players" vibrate ineffectively in one end zone.

Furious, The Reaper swipes the playing surface.

On his checklist, Ted makes another note.  We CATCH a glimpse of some NAMES: Einstein . . . Sitting Bull . . . Leonardo Da Vinci . . . a few others.

BILL
(sotto)
How're we doin' in terms of people?

TED
(same)
Just a few more.

Bill nods, looks half-sympathetically at the Grim Reaper.

BILL
You wanna go again?

GRIM REAPER
Yes!

Bill and Ted share a silent AIR GUITAR and we CUT TO:

CLOSE SHOT: THE REAPER

His hands joined together in "goal-posts".  He scowls as a paper "flick football" sails through and hits him in the head.

Opposite him, Bill and Ted reach out and accept a fourth PASS.  Ted makes another check on his list, and we CUT TO:

A TETHERBALL

Being batted back and forth by Ted and the Grim Reaper, engaged in a fierce contest.  Finally, Ted gets the ball going, it begins winging around the pole, and the Reaper is left helplessly flailing on his tip-toes trying to stop it.  He can't.  Bill and Ted win again.

The Reaper, obviously not accustomed to all this losing, stomps the ground in rage.

THE GRIM REAPER
One more!  One more!

Bill and Ted look at one another, shrug, and we CUT TO:

They play the Reaper at Twister, then:

The Grim Reaper, his robe making movement difficult, lowers himself into a "crab" position for a moment, then, sweating, falls backwards onto his butt.

Slowly, he looks up at the guys, exhales, reaches into his robe and extends another pass.  Bill nods sympathetically.

BILL
That's all, dude.  We're done.
(re Ted's checklist)
All we have left is to find these people.

Ted nods, then reaches down and helps the Grim Reaper to his feet.

TED
(gently)
Death, you played very well.

GRIM REAPER
(sharply)
Don't patronize me.

TED
(pulling back)
Whatever, dude . . . You got a lot
to learn about sportsmanship.

BILL
Ted-

The Reaper gathers himself, then turns.

GRIM REAPER
This way.

And as Bill and Ted follow the Grim Reaper into an ELEVATOR:

BILL
Dude.

TED
What?

BILL
"Don't fear the Reaper."

Muted AIR GUITAR.  The elevator doors close and we CUT TO:

EXT. PLATEAU- DAY

A lush, verdant, heavenly place.  Pink and blue sky.  Puffy white clouds.  Meandering streams and canalways.

The ELEVATOR RISES INTO FRAME and stops.  The door opens.  Bill and Ted emerge and look around.

TED
Whoa . . . this is most stereotypical.

Bill nods, turns to The Grim Reaper, who has joined them.

BILL
Now where do we go, dude?

The Grim Reaper begrudgingly points down a winding PATH, which leads upward.

GRIM REAPER
This way.

They all start up the path.

A BIT FURTHER ON - NEAR THE TOP OF SOME ANCIENT STONE STEPS

Is a pair of REGAL, GILDED GATES.  Bill, Ted, and the Grim Reaper approach the gates, stopping to look at an intricately lettered sign.

This is when they mug the three people.  Death is wearing the Enlightened Woman's clothing.  Then:

AT THE GATE

The GATEKEEPER looks up as the three "Wise People" approach him.

BILL
(in a "wise" voice)
How is it going?  I am William the Wise.

TED
And I am Ted the Stallion.

The Gatekeeper looks at the Grim Reaper.

BILL
And this is our girlfriend . . . Deathina.

The Gatekeeper studies the Grim Reaper.

GATEKEEPER
. . . Don't I know you?

GRIM REAPER
(bad falsetto)
No.

Beat.  The Gatekeeper shrugs, looks down at some papers.

GATEKEEPER
What is the meaning of life?

Pause.  Bill and Ted look at one another, then look back.

BILL
The meaning of life is . . .

Bill turns to Ted. Ted clears his throat, then:

TED
"Every rose has its thorn.
Just like every night has its dawn."

BILL
"Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song."

Bill and Ted look at the Grim Reaper, who, unsure of what to say, clears his throat and half-sings:

THE GRIM REAPER
"I did it my way."

Beat.  The Gatekeeper nods, and opens the gate.

Bill and Ted look at each other and the three of them enter onto:

A BRIDGE

Which crosses over a series of flowing canalways.  The guys look around.

BILL
Okay, if we were us, and we were in Heaven
looking for the Creator Of The Universe,
where would we look?

TED
(beat)
Phone book.

SECONDS LATER - CLOSE ON PHONE BOOK

Reading, "Heaven and Vicinity," the cloud-like SHAPE of the area serviced outlined on the cover.

BILL AND TED

Open it up.  The Grim Reaper stands off to the side, still trying not to be seen.

Bill starts off.

They look at each other, starts to smile, and we CUT TO:

SECONDS LATER - SAME

Ted is on the phone.

TED
Hello . . . God?
(beat)
Is your refrigerator running?
(beat)
It is? - Better catch it, dude!

Ted hangs up the phone.  The guys share an AIR GUITAR, then grab the Grim Reaper and exit as we CUT TO:

A WHITE ROOM

full of clean, white light.

After a moment, Bill, Ted and the Grim Reaper step INTO FRAME a bit below us, and look up, toward us.  We never see who they're speaking to.

BILL
Okay. God.  As if you didn't know already, we're
not the three Wise People you might think we are.

TED
No. We mugged some guys and took their clothes.
Also, I just made a crank phone call to you a minute ago.
Sorry.  But you probably know all that.

They have the same conversation with God except:

BILL
But we won the chance to go back.  And there
are some individuals we would like to invite back
for a while to help us out.

TED
So we were wondering . . . Do you think
you could maybe help up to find them?

Silence.  After a moment a transluscent MAP, bathed in white light, floats down.  Bill grabs it.

BILL
Whoa.  Thanks.

TED
Yah.  You are a most just God.

BILL
(beat)
Okay, well, we'll be goin' now.

TED
Yah.  Keep up the good work.

BILL/TED
Catch ya later, God!

And all three EXIT FRAME. HOLD a beat.  Then Ted sticks his head back INTO PICTURE.

TED
Oh.  One thing I always
wondered.  Who shot J.R.?

BILL
(also returning)
Dude - that was nine years ago!

TED
It was?  I just saw it on channel thirteen.

BILL
I can tell you that.

TED
Oh.
(nods, turns back to God)
Well, then that's it, I guess.  See ya, dude.

And he and Bill leave. The Grim Reaper sticks his head INTO FRAME, shrugs.

GRIM REAPER
Sorry.

And as he ducks out, we CUT TO:

Interlaced with tranquil, flowing canalways, along the sides of which are various restful little GREENS peopled with Heavenly Souls in various stages of fun and repose.

ALONG ONE OF THESE CANALWAYS

A GONDOLA glides INTO FRAME, Bill and Ted (back in their regular clothes) standing in the center.

BILL
(to Ted)
You got the list?

TED
(nods)
You got the map?

Bill nods and the two of them turn toward:

THE BACK OF THE GONDOLA

where the Grim Reaper stands, perched on the stern wearing an orange LIFE JACKET over his black robe.

BILL
You ready to make good on your promise?

The Reaper nods. And we CUT TO:

MOSES

Standing amidst a group of similarly-clad Biblical Figures, he turns as the gondola pulls up and Bill and Ted leap out.

TED
Excuse us, Moses.  We thoroughly enjoyed
your work in "The Ten Commandments."

BILL
We have won some time back on earth, and
we were wondering if perhaps you would be ale to help us
out with something that is very important to us.

Moses looks at his friends and shrugs and we CUT TO:

THE GONDOLA

Gracefully gliding down the canal.  Inside, Moses sits down in front of the Grim Reaper.

BILL
Moses, this is the Grim Reaper.
Reaper, this is Moses.

GRIM REAPER
We've met.

Bill and Ted look at each other and we CUT TO:

LEONARDO DA VINCI

Working on a painting.  Hearing something, he turns as Moses steps up to him.

MOSES
Leonardo!

DA VINCI
Mo?

Back at the gondola, Bill and Ted look at each other.

BILL
They all know each other?

TED
(shrugs)
It's heaven, dude.

BILL
This is gonna be a lot easier than I thought.

And as Leonardo Da Vinci climbs into the gondola, we DISSOLVE INTO:

A MONTAGE:

Bill, Ted and the Grim Reaper picking up people from their various "Personal Heavens."

BETSY ROSS (sitting among several other Colonial-era Americans) is picked up by Moses, Leonardo, Bill and Ted.  As she steps into the gondola, it rocks, spilling the Grim Reaper over the side and into the water.

SITTING BULL walks away from his tee-pee and, with the aid of the other, climbs into the gondola, on the back of which the Reaper now sits shivering, with a towel wrapped around him.

JOE LOUIS happily exist a boxing ring and joins the gang.  The Grim Reaper, forced toward the back of the gondola for lack of room, tries to sit on the stern and accidentally topples off, once again splashing into the water.  Then, embarrassed at his inability to pull himself over the hull, he relents and lets Leonardo and Joe Louis yank him in.

ALBERT EINSTEIN turns from a blackboard full of notes and joins the gang.  Leonardo hands him a glass of wine, and soon they are all:

HEADING DOWN THE CANALWAY

Bill, up front, looks back at the Figures as Ted hands out little folders to each one of them.

BILL
Okay.  What we have done is prepared
a plan to aid us in defeating the evil robot
us's from the future.
(off a look from Albert Einstein)
Don't worry.  It'll all make sense when you
look at the brief dossier Ted has prepared outlining
each of your individual responsibilities.

TED
(handing out the last one)
Any questions?

JOE LOUIS
Yeah - I got one.  Where are we going?

BILL/TED
San Dimas!

BILL
And you better hold on ex-dead dudes,
cause here we go.

And with that, the gondola begins to head over -

A GREAT, FOAMING WATERFALL

Where it disappears over the edge and we CUT TO:

INT. BILL AND TED'S APARTMENT - SAME

CLOSE on a goldfish bowl, which Evil Ted is dumping into the sink.

EVIL TED
Catch ya later, W. Axl Rose.

And he turns on the garbage disposal, watching it closely, then grinning.

EVIL TED
Check it out!  He's fish-stew!

PAN to Evil Bill, on the phone, giving Evil Ted a quick thumbs up while he speaks.

EVIL BILL
(into phone)
. . . and I never liked you.
That's right.  So just flake off, Dad.

He hangs up, makes a check in Bill's phone book, and dials the next number.

EVIL BILL
(into phone)
Hello, Mr. Ryan?  Bill S. Preston.
(beat)
You suck, dude.

He hangs up.

We HEAR an extremely loud, wailing ELECTRIC GUITAR, and Evil Ted wanders past, thrashing about with his guitar.

EVIL TED
I'm totally playing too loud!

After a moment, the DOORBELL RINGS.

Evil Ted continues playing as Evil Bill makes his way across the incredibly messy apartment to the door.

MRS. DAVIS, the guys' timid, elderly landlady, stands in the doorway.

MRS. DAVIS
(very sweet)
Excuse me, William, but could you and Theodore
please turn down your instruments?  With
Mr. Davis' heart condition, it's a little loud.

Evil Bill stares coldly.

EVIL BILL
Deal with it.

Mrs. Davis' face registers confusion and concern.

MRS. DAVIS
William, are you boys alr - - - ooopf.

Evil Bill lowers his shoulder and shoves Mrs. Davis backwards, where she plunges over the balcony railing and hurdles into the pool.

EVIL TED
(looking over)
Way to go!
(then, laying his guitar down)
Let's do something else bad!

EVIL BILL
Like what?

EVIL TED
I dunno.  Let's do some insider trading!

EVIL BILL
We don't got time.  We gotta nab the
females and get to the concert.
(then; off Evil Ted's disappointment)
How about this: We'll take the Porsche
and run over cats on the way.

EVIL TED
Sterling, Evil Bill!

High-fives, and as they exit, we CUT TO: